A few weeks ago, we had the incredible James ‘Fish’ Gill come into clinic to record a podcast with Jodi and myself. In this conversation, Fish speaks to a radically new paradigm of relating which dances with a reach beyond conscious communication. From navigating difficult conversations about intimacy, to dissolving tension in an effort to validate all subjective experiences, we had the privilege of picking Fish’s brain with questions that have been percolating around clinic (mainly sourced from Jodi and my Tuesday morning meetings / rants where we talk everything but work…).
Integrating the experience he has gleaned from years of 1:1 sessions with individuals and couples, as well as hugely successful group programs, Fish has created a conscious, heart-led communication approach that aims to support people to grow in mutual understanding and emotional intimacy. Our conversation with Fish flips many of the pop-psychology / Instagram relationship trends on their head, because rather than trying to identify a ‘correct’ narrative in any given conflict scenario, Fish instead emphasises the importance of bringing wholehearted validation to the experience of upset in another and self, and then working coherently from a place of nervous system regulation to bring about meaningful resolution.
Let’s touch on the premise of ‘working coherently’ a little more. What does it mean to bring coherence to what often feels utterly incomprehensible during the chaos of a moment in conflict? This could look like the statement: “They don’t understand me; they are committed to causing me pain.” From this place, we may act unskilfully in a way that – either consciously or unconsciously – seeks to bring another into our pain. We may even engage the reflex whereby we sincerely believe we can read another’s intentions better than they can understand them.
However, with an active reflex of perceived prescience, we often elicit defensiveness in the other, which will activate the same reflex of misguided projection in them, and so on…
The ‘coherent work’ lies in a few simple principles which help to diffuse the subsequent tension, and will invite you to hold both your subjective pain in one hand, and their subjective upset in another:
- Recognise that even well-intentioned behaviour can bring about unintended upset.
- Understand that in the face of unintended upset, it is more productive and compassionate to validate the pain rather than justify your intentions, however noble.
- Validate the deeper yearning in your own heart to have your pain recognised. Allow yourself to metabolise the grief in a way that honours the pieces in you that have felt unseen and unheard.
- Wed loving-awareness to the pain that has been caused to another. This might look like one of the following phrases:
“I can see how alive this upset is for you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“The pain that you’re in right now belongs here, and you have every right to be feeling that way.”
“I see the pain that you’re in, and I’m right here.”
- Soften into the openness that this validation brings. By not meeting another’s pain with compassionate validation, defensiveness and cascading conflict will likely ensue. It is not a measure of bypassing your own experience to bring loving-awareness to unintended pain; rather, it is an invitation into openness and cultivating the relational safety necessary to tread the repair work.
Conflict as a result of well-intended behaviour happens. But critically, the reinforced or compromised structural integrity of the relationship is almost entirely dependent on how deeply both partners are committed to bringing compassion and nervous system attunement to the other.
Toward the end of our conversation with Fish, we discuss creating a safe container for this work. What are the necessary conditions we need to cultivate ourselves first before engaging with another in conflict repair? How can we resist the various reflexes to run from difficult conversations? What does the crucible of the relationship need in order to maintain its integrity over time and experience?
Check out the episode to hear more.
